Is love a choice or not?
What do
you think? The never ending debate on whether
love being a choice or not will never finish if one persists to argue over it. There probably will never be a right or a wrong answer and there will never be a specific one that can govern our own beliefs nor which that can cater unanimously with our own unique standards. The reason to why this is such is extremely simple - love is subjective and is defined according to how views it based on how one was brought up by various experiences such as culture, religion, education, circle of friends, family etc. Idealist’s definition would oppose the realist’s as science’s would be in contrary with religion’s. Some would even question love’s existence. And even within the boundaries of religion, logic or whatsoever, still, the essence of this word would inevitably vary. One could not just impose one definition for this ambiguous word.
In this case, why even bother to debate about this simple yet seemingly eyebrow-raising question if there will by no means be a resting conclusion? To deliberate over it would be utterly useless – as I have lately realized.
Though this be the only truth about love generally agreed upon – that it does not own one definition, I still find the exigency to write my stand (no matter how useless it may seem) just for the reason that I vehemently believe that love is not a matter of choice. I am writing this not to disprove nor sway other beliefs. Nor do I not intend to provoke diatribes and misunderstandings. I am simply writing this to explain what I believe in – according to
my own understanding of what love is. My sole purpose is merely to express this philosophy.
LOVE
Most people usually associate love with the emotion involving romance. It is an emotion brought about by high levels of endorphin and dopamine secretions in the brain during the stages of romance and courtship. The byproduct of these chemical reactions is the feeling of happiness. While the secretions are at its peak, one finds the need to feel happy therefore one looks for someone who can satisfy the yearning. This is actually the scientific explanation to why humor plays a vital role in the laws of attraction and is the logical reason to why we get enamored with someone that we aren’t really attracted to. An evidence of these scientific findings is the relationship of Vic Sotto and Pia Guanio. (Pia, don’t worry, you’ll snap out of it soon) Research confirms this feeling only lasts for 12 – 18 months. As these secretions begin to decrease, the seemingly ‘oh-so-perfect-person-with-perfect-imperfections’ will not be the same person you thought he or she was. So my question is, given that this feeling naturally ends, is it really love? If this be the basis of love, we wouldn’t be any different from animals that change their mates as often as seasons do in time. Though this feeling may or may not be pure love, it may influence and lead to the unyielding love that transcends time and differences. (Gonzales, “On Love”)
*note: I would like to make it clear that I will not encapsulate the definition of love just based on romantic context. I will not tamper with the definition of this ephemeral feeling whether if it is love or not for it will branch out another endless debate.
To Choose or to Be
On Commitment
So what happens after this idyllic feeing ends? Some argue that one actually chooses to love the person despite the absence of the feeling. But I believe that it is not choosing to love but rather, choosing to
commit. Commitment is what makes us different from animals because it involves
rationalizing. This leads me to my first definition: Love is not commitment. Though love, as most would agree, entails commitment, commitment however, does not necessarily entail love. There is a fine line between the two. You either choose to commit because you have
unconsciously developed a profound love for the person or because it is the most rational/moral action to do.
On Development
To choose means to
consciously decide. One does not consciously decide to love one’s parents, siblings, relatives and friends. It is something truly innate in us that can only be developed. One cannot just say, “I choose to love my mother” because one decided to love her. If you contest to the later statement, I would like you to answer me; can you remember
when you consciously declared and decided to love your parents? (Stop and think if you must)
If you can’t tell me when, then obviously, you have already developed love for them unconsciously –meaning, without choosing to do so. Does one consciously decide to love one’s parents or friends? And more so, does it lie in one’s decision to not love them too? If love were a choice, then there wouldn’t be anymore heartaches because one can simply choose to let go of love. One would not cry over a loss or of a broken heart. Why let yourself suffer if you can choose to ‘unlove’ the person you ‘love’, right? Because to say that love is a choice connotes that we could choose to ‘unlove’ someone we truly love and love someone we fervently loathe. If this were true, there wouldn’t be any hatred in the world because everyone could simply choose to love everyone else. But the reality is, one cannot command love to reveal itself.
We can however choose to let it grow or not.Take for example, the Chinese and Jewish tradition of match making. Some still end up loving each other even though they started out completely indifferent with each other. This is so because these are the couples that
developed love through time. One cannot force them to love and care for each other right away but they could eventually, if they choose to commit to their marriage and allow their relationship to grow.
There are only 2 offshoots of choosing to develop love – either both will have eventually learned to love each other or not. You see, even if you
want and choose to
develop love, the
outcome could still turn unsuccessful. That’s why some matches don’t work out. To choose to develop love may be an
act of love but may not necessarily be rooted from love itself but from rationalization.
To choose to develop love is different from choosing to love. If we could choose to love, we all would not mind getting a match. Again, I shall reiterate -
Our choice is whether to let love grow or not. I still stand firm on my ground that love is not a matter of choice.
On Freewill
You might be wondering where the exercise of freewill (which God has graciously given) stands. If love weren’t a choice, would God be depriving us of our freewill?
As I have mentioned earlier, love is something innate and natural in us. I believe it is not an issue of freewill mainly because
we were basically made to love. We all are destined to love.
As a famous poet once said, “Love is not a matter of choice, it is in our fate.” This holds a certain truth in any case.
Say you don’t believe in destiny, idealism, religion and the sort, the scientific fact that the chemical composition of our mind is capable of making us feel this intense emotion and concern for others is already enough to say that nature itself had intended for humans to love, and yes, even hate.
(Don’t you wonder why songs, literature and art about love have never been passé since the Greeks? It is one evidence that mankind, throughout the course of history and the predetermined one as well, will never cease to love because it has already been implanted within our humanity by nature.)
To question freewill regarding love is like questioning the freewill to be born or the freewill to choose our DNA or on how to exist – the choice is simply non-existent. It also would be as if to question our freewill to control the chemical reactions of our brain or to control everything that is happening within our bodies. Tell me, can you command your stomach not to digest the food you just ate? Point is, you can’t choose to, it’s simply natural.
Love, in my point of view, is based on natural laws and I’d like to believe, God’s supernatural laws as well, which cannot be controlled.
Freewill however, is based on intellect – the advantage God has given us over animals. Intellect gives us the capacity to go against nature, to go against what we want to do despite what we feel. It gives us the option to choose our subsequent actions after what we feel and think. Metaphorically, love is a canvas laid unto us but it is in our own will to decide what images to paint it with.
On Loving
In my experience on love, I do not recall any instance wherein I loved something because I simply chose to love it. I did not choose to love music the way I do now. If I could choose to love it, I wouldn’t have loved it this much to sacrifice a whole lifetime in risks of getting a decent name and job because God knows, being a musician here in the Philippines means a penniless passionate person. The love is simply in me. (but I think I still need to develop more love for it for me to survive college of music)
If you ask me why I am so obsessed with, for example, chocolates – I simply would not be able to answer you. I just love it, that’s it. I did not choose to love it and if I had the choice to hate it, I would, in order that I lose a couple of pounds or so and perhaps get rid of my pimples. But no, I did not choose to like that sweet, tempting, fattening, high calorie and pimple causing substance. What is in my power though is whether to eat or not.
As for my love life which happens to be non-existent, there is this constant yearning to be with that someone I really like right now. I did not choose to love him. I just found myself caught in that feeling. (Eew. How cheesy and movie-like. Nevertheless, its true.) I have this theory that a lot of people who say they aren’t in love actually are. (duh) The only difference is that they deny it. They try to logically quantify love so that they’d be able to be in control, so that they wouldn’t be bothered by emotions, specially the disturbing ones. Some, like me, try to look on the pessimistic side of being in love. Why? In my case, I’ve been pessimistic lately not only because without choice, I’ve been single since birth, but because I’d rather not stupidly agonize over someone who isn’t considering any romantic attachments as I, in the end, would get hurt. That’s stupid. But then on the other hand, people in love really become stupid. :P The weird thing is though, despite my pessimism and realism, I still like him… My bad! Hey, I can’t help it if I suddenly think of him and you see me smiling alone. Haha. *kapoknat!*
Definition of Love
During the course of writing this entry, I have observed that I have based love more on feelings rather than the intellectual side of loving (as some say, there is such). Based on my observation and experience as well, love may be perceived in three ways – by
feeling, thinking and the output of these two,
acting.
Someone told me that love actually is more intellectual rather than emotional because emotions are fleeting whereas intellect can opt to remain constant. Yes, I strongly agree that in loving, intellect should also be involved for if we let ourselves be drawn by feelings alone, we would not know what is right and what isn’t. However, I do not believe that love can be based on intellect alone. What is love without feelings? Sometimes, in order to show love, you have to put aside thinking and act on impulse. For instance, risking one’s life or even dying for a loved one. Need I expound more?
Even though I am prudent in giving a clear definition on love, I will not hesitate to emphasize my belief that love is far more than feelings but must include feelings in order to sustain its essence.